When a finger points at the sky, fools look at the finger

I know.

I am fully aware that I said last night, erm more like very early this morning that I'll be continuing with the other items from my list but I simply cannot fulfill this promise.

For I am now overcome with emotion over a wonderful piece of work that may as well be called my favourite film from now on: Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain, in short, Amélie.

While watching, occasionally I had to pause the movie because I got so overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of it that I couldn't process it all so quickly.

Actually, 5 minutes into it and I already knew that something unique and amazing was going to befall before my eyes.And yes I was right.

When I think of it, it took me so long to see this work of art because I was hesitant when it came to it being french.

Needn't I have worried because it would have lost it's charm were it not in french. My only regrets are that besides not understanding it, I am picturing myself in French classes and I see half lidded eyes, huge yawns and my sketch covered textbook. So yes, I am to blame here.

Anyway, I consider that the essence of its brilliance lies in the little things. Simplicity.

Amelie Poulain portrayed by the wonderful Audrey Tautou gives you a brief glimpse into the mind of a naive, innocent but intelligent 24 year old woman.

Everything, from the delicate curve of her neck, the way her lips shape when she gets that mischievous smile to her big doe dark eyes draws you in and charms you completely.

Actually when you first take her in you have the impression that she just pulled a joke on someone and she's waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I could just write and write about how bright and full of life this movie is and still not overemphasis its genius.
All in all this movie makes me want to see everything in a different light and smile because I know that underneath all those obvious things are little details that brighten up everything.

Obviously the title is a quote from the movie.

Jo

La veillee

Actually when I started this post my mind was set, ready to write yet again another letter to my future depressed (self diagnosed,why of course) persona.

Fortunately, a flash of genius prevented me from writing another ballad consisting of bad weather,ear screeching voices, sad tell tales and important 21th century issues.

Well it's all good when a change is involved,right?After all I'm not exactly known as a habitual individual (insert ironic smile here). But I fear that first I'll have to write down some of those important things that'll replace my usual monologue in this post (you shouldn't be fooled,besides having a short attention span I'm also akin to forgetfulness, so you'll have to excuse my not-so-aesthetic way of writing). Here it goes:

1.Movies ( I've recently had the pleasure of watching)

2.Music ( My ear thanked me for/cried because of listening to)

3.Books (I feel like the new Stephen King books are exactly like the great white whale.Mythic)

4.Solitaire ( I'm all about solitaire these days)

5.Fanfictions ( People seriously need to update more often)

6. Series (I've been fangirling in secret for so long now that I'm going to burst)

7. Matthew Macfadyen (I love him I love him I love him I love him)

So now that I have written down all the topics I'll be covering in this post filled with positive thinking and general happy-go-lucky attitude, let us begin.

1.Movies

Well since I've been missing for so long, I never talked about the list I have and the decision I made.

Remember me moping and complaining about my future self that has no future because besides lacking self motivation I also suffer from chronically disastrous scatterbrainism? 

Of course that illness is so rare and unknown that the cure is more precious than a white baby dragon (mind you, I've been told that my comparisons are completely random and usually in no way related to my topic of choice).

Anyway I have not yet bought (won?) the code I'll need to redeem in order to push my boundaries and get on with my future occupation (I don't necessarily refer to a career) but I hope I'm on the way.

All things aside, in a moment of brilliance -or foolishness- I've decided to study film.

Yes, I won't get into details because that'll just drive me into another frenzy.

But my point is I've made a list with movies that I would like to watch.

I've seen some great ones throughout summer.

And the more recent will be listed below, but I'll be very brief because my nocturnal activities usually consist of sleeping and playing solitaire (not necessarily in that order) and not of writing down my ever present thoughts (gasp, shame on me).

 Matrix Trilogy

Well actually I'm surprised myself that I'm even mentioning it. But without much ado I can coolly and with much welcomed abandonment say that I liked it. Besides the cheap costumes, the bad sleek haircuts and the moves that made me roll my eyes, Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss do a pretty good job at keeping me interested (of course the other actors did a great job as well). As an off note I'll say that I was merrily entertained by the giant robotic head from the last part that was listed in the credits as 'Deus ex machina'.

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum

This movie certainly has an eye catching title and not just because of the length. I had to double take every time I wrote it down because I always included a wrong 'that' or 'my'.

But referring to the actual film, it was a 99 minute long (or short) decision that kept me laughing and smiling the whole time. It all rounded up perfectly in the end and, after the credits rolled I felt a satisfied feeling that I can easily remember even now. The happy ending('of course'), prior to the incredibly funny chariot chase made me see the '60s musical comedies under a new light.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

The stop motion animation, the quirky humor and the well crafted story made me adore this movie. Of course without the numerous wonderfully talented voice actors it would have been crude and lost it's appeal of classic animation.

 I'd like to quote the speech that Mr. Fox made in the end so you get a taste of what won me over:

“They say all foxes are slightly allergic to linoleum, but it's cool to the paw… They say my tail needs to be dry-cleaned twice a month, but now it's fully detachable… They say our tree will never grow back, but one day something will. Yes, these crackles are made of artificial goose and these giblets come from artificial squab and even these apples look fake. But at least they've got stars on them.”

***

Sigh

Well it's way past my self imposed bed time and my daily need of solitaire has not been satiated so I'll be forced to take my leave.

But not without promising that I'll return tomorrow to complete my list and get rid of my well achieved title of  a gloomy, dejected and low spirited adolescent that passes trough a long stereotypical phase.

***

As an off note the post title refers to the song entitled obviously the same and composed by the gifted Yann Tiersen. The term 'la veillee' actually can mean either a religious vigil or a long night spent merrily (in medieval times).

Well take a guess.

Jo.

Nothing really bothers her.She just wants to love herself

I don't remember.

My mum does.

She told me that when I was younger (like knee height younger) I was asked what I wanted to be.

****

Now, a couple of weeks ago I attended a summer program and in one of the sessions they asked us the same question. What was your childhood dream?

We were given 15 minutes to draw our dreams on a sheet of paper and organize our thoughts to give a quick speech.

I found this one of the hardest tasks we were given.

Why?

Because even as I child I never took anything seriously.

I remember playing with my much older neighbour and pretending I was someone else.

I liked saying 'flowers' whenever our conversations took a serious turn, I can still see the cold glint in her eyes and hear her unspoken words:

'You're just a child you don't understand.'

I found it hard to deal with other people's feelings when I was not sure of my own.

I find it hard to express myself.

I find it even harder not to lie to myself.

Because I breeze through the day with a smile upon my face.

But when I face my pillow I repeat the same mantra I've been trying to convince myself:

Am I happy?

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am happy.

So back to the assignment we were given.

I did the natural thing.

I lied.

I drew a smiling me dressed as a vet surrounded by a bunch of weird (non-existed) animals.

And in the middle I wrote:

Compassion

Helping

Nature

Fun

Happiness

...

Another lie.

You see, those were not the goals of my younger self.

Those are not the goals of my older self either.

Those are just the values that a perfect me would choose.

Compassion?

According to the dictionary it mean:

Deep awareness of the suffering of another, coupled with the wish to relieve it.

I am confused.

I do feel it.

But as of recently I had trouble feeling anything of the sort.

Instead, I am quite good at reproducing it.

Especially when compassion and father come up in the same sentence.

Horrid.

Helping?

I am terrible at giving advice, I have no idea how to give a motivating speech and on no account do I know the things I should do when I am asked for help.

Instead, I just listen.

I don't talk because I am not good with words when I am actually required to speak.

So I stay quiet and let my own selfishness shine as the other party thinks that I lend a shoulder to cry on.

Because I am insecure and I fear rejection.

Nature?

As in animals and plants?

It's another exaggerated thing I do...

...I think.

I picked this thing up from someone who did it years before me.

I was sure that she was just trying to deceive herself and it was working.

She never realized.

She still does it.

But now I do it as well.

It's against nature what I do.

It's the most unnatural thing I do.

Fun?

Now this is something.

Here's what I do:
I read something that describes a good time between friends, or I see a movie that illustrates a deeply shared bond with another individual.

And I'm sitting in my room and just think:

When will I get to do that?

And I just wait.

And wait.

And fear that whatever may come, it'll pass silently by me because I am too aware and too restless.

Happiness?

How can you achieve something that can't be achieved by just yearning alone?

How can you hope for something that's unpredictable and may last only a few seconds?

How can you (I) tell the moment when you (I) are (am) truly happy?

How do you recognize it?

Do you work for it or you just wait for it to come to you?

I am undecided, disoriented and left with the feeling of wanting more and more and MORE.

So now that I feel like a peeled onion, I am back to my first forgotten mature dream.

My mum said I wanted to be a, and now brace yourselves:

a

street sweeper.

O.O

I kid you not!

And I've been wondering why?

If I were to take it into serious consideration than I'd naturally ask myself: what's the appeal?

But for that matter I have to shut off my now brain, and look into my history closet and put on my good old goldfish brain.

So here's what I came up with:

Pretty coloured fall leaves.

And that is my only explication.

I have this kind of thing that I imagine before I fall asleep (when my brain doesn't seem to get a hint). I don't know where I've seen it, must have been cartoons but anyway.

It was cold (like December cold) and the protagonist finds a stray mum cat and it's kittens in the street shivering.So he takes off his hat (it's a very nice looking top hat- the warmer version) and ushers the cat family in it. It's nice and cozy for them.And then before leaving he covers the hat with his muffler.

I imagine myself curled in a top hat feeling safe.

Yes!

That is my secret.

I must post this now, because I have the uncontrollable urge to delete everything I've written.

And I don't think that I'll ever have nerve or patience to write something like that about myself ever again.

I feel the love,guys I really do

You know that thing when you have two loving and supporting parents that stand by you no matter what and encourage you in everything you do.

You know that?

Do you?

Cause I don't.

And maybe I am exaggerating and feel this way because of the fight I had with my father earlier but I like to think that I am not that of a drama queen.

And in no way am I physically abused,so it shouldn't be that bad right?

Well the thing is that he has this magical power of putting you down no matter the reason.Even if he does something remotely wrong and you get angry cause that's the way things go normally,no sir, you have no right to talk back because he is the person who raised you and brought you up.

Which seems like a bunch of bull to me seeming as he no longer puts his only child's priorities in front of his own.Ummm for like the last 4 years.

He considers that I am old enough to deal with everything yet so many times he treats me like a spoiled child (which I like to think that I am not).

Anyway what does spoiled mean?

I am on no account a rich kid.

We barely have money to eat.We never make ends meet.

So the only thing that's left for me is wishing.

'I wish I had that...' 'Oh I'd love one of those...'

But apparently I come off as a selfish little ungrateful brat.

So long story short: Earlier this year I failed to achieve a high score at some thing.And I honestly don't know what happened there, I'm not about to boast but usually I'm fairly acceptable at it, and I can't really blame it on anything so it just simply happened.A mistake.My father never takes interest in anything that is related to my school life.Basically he doesn't give a shit.So imagine my surprise when he exploded over that matter.He was so mad and mean.

It's not like he was disappointed -I know that for sure because last year I almost failed math and he knew and he didn't even bat an eyelid.He doesn't know my interests, he doesn't care to spend time with me.I'm alright with that.As long as he stays out of my hair I have no reason to hold a grudge against him.

But when he behaves like this and he drops a bomb I'm left feeling deeply hurt and just silly.

Earlier we were discussing about some upcoming thing that requires money.

So he puffed and rolled his eyes at me and condescendingly told me that even though he is going to pay for that I'll fail because that's what I always do.

So instead of bursting in tears and feeling like a nuisance that doesn't deserve a great parent like him I got angry.

And talked back.

So we started screaming back and forth at each other.

'I can't help but get mad when I'm furious'- Bernard Black, Black Books series.

In the end he twisted every word that I threw at him and he was sure that I was threatening him. And when I gave him a reasonable explanation that he got it all wrong (in a slightly raised voice) he just ignored it and went on and on and on.

Guess his favorite censored choice of words? selfish,ungrateful,spoiled were thrown in the mix with a bunch of other physically abusing words that I have no intention of retailing.

Not that bad,not that bad,huh?

So we exchanged some more hurtful words (basically it was just him uttering profanities and me trying to defend myself and failing seeming as he ignored every word that I verbalized but changed their meaning so he could have the upper hand).

And then suddenly exhausted of even breathing in the same room I went to take a shower.

Now I'm here complaining.

He and my mom went to bed about 20 minutes ago. I can hear everything they mumble as our rooms are connected by a balcony and because of the excruciating heat all the windows are open.

So after five minutes of obscene muttering he finally fell asleep.

But the main question that I am willing to ask myself over and over again is:

What is my mother doing?

I have no patience nor nerve to continue this post about the ways that she continues to dishearten me so I'll just wrap it up.

She takes no sides when him and I quarrel but when my father's wrath falls upon her, she comes to me and badmouths him to no end.

I just hope, I mean, really hope that one day I won't wake up jaded and fed up with everything around me and think 'I've turned out just like my parents'.

Now I just think that I shouldn't dramatize everything like that.

I mean it's not like I have it that bad.

*Sigh* and here is doubt, my good old friend that accompanies me in my daily life.

I was brought to a conclusion and now I should stick to it.

Not change the card and think otherwise.

I'm off now.

First are everything

Yes.

Even if this was not actually a first but what the fuck ever.

I've been meaning to talk about it because it's just one of those things that I guess should be grandchildren talk (or blackmail material) -choose your weapon.

So...I'm bringing out the big guns and I request from you, my fellow darlings, not to get your panties in a bunch.

I have been on my first date.

-some time ago-

And, yes I've attended today to my second one.

These two particular encounters were, dare I say...

as awkward as a motherfucking cocksucker licking a monkeyishly hairy ass.

...

forgive my rude and offensive language.

So,what happened :

Yesterday, I was chilling at home, catching up on the awesomeness that is Merlin (btw Colin Morgan is seriously too cute O.O) when my phone suddenly rang.

I sat up and looked at the screen: my aunt.

I debated answering.

She can be a handful when she wants ( but she really doesn't even have to try *rolls eyes*)

...but in the end I said fuck it and answered.

The talk on the phone was fairly short. I had a simple task.

Buy milk from point A and bring it to her to point B. ha...(I should have guessed)

So I dragged my ass out of bed because that's where I resided still in pj's you know...went to the bathroom yada, yada...

so I'm almost ready when she calls again.

and guess what?she bossed me around telling me that 18 minutes have already passed.

The nerve!! I mean I knew that I was a cheeky bitch but daaamn that was just soooo inconsiderate of me...what was I thinking...getting ready going to the bathroom when I should have rushed protecting the precious nectar of gods with my life. *rolls eyes*

So after another 18 minutes,I guess, I finally arrived.

She was making tomato muffins.

....yum....

So,I was just there, lingering when my phone rang exactly at 4:15 (pm of course...)

thinking it was my mother I let it ring a couple of times...she had it coming huh, refusing to make me breakfast *rolls eyes*

but then I glanced at the screen and I though

FUUUUUUUCK

the cause of my distress was of course a boy.

We were classmates last year and somehow we were friends I guess....naaah...more like ,more acquainted acquaintances.

but then last month he suddenly asked me out...it was very casual if not totally blunt and awkward. I said yes and after that long long Saturday I hoped that he had realized that we were only friends.

well apparently no such fucking luck.

sooo after freaking out I started cursing successfully shocking both my aunt and my grandma, who was by the way in the room, happily and innocently eating cherries without a care in the world.

well,I, of course rushed out of the room did some more pacing before, in a moment of great weakness, answered that damned phone.

aaaaand I swear I thought about ignoring the call, but again no such motherfucking luck.

it went like this:

Me: Hello

He: Hi,hey what's up?

Me: naaah nothing-

He:...I was wondering if you'd like watching a movie tomorrow....

Me:yeah sure what time?

He: what?you don't want to?that's ok...you don't have to...

Me:...no I'd like to I was asking at what time?

He: aaaah well...the movie start's at 3:30 sooo

Me:ah ok than I'll meet you there at 3.Bye

He: Bye.

.....

the events after this peculiar phone call can be omitted as when I returned my aunt and grandma proceeded in making fun of me.

.....

sooo that brings us back to today.

I did arrive 15 minutes earlier as last time.And yes he was already there

(well last time he was 20 minutes late...)

he purchased the ticket cause it was some unimportant bonus day and we only had to pay for one...well he did, I bough the drinks.

Anyway so we took our seats.

guess what? the room was empty save from two big-boned middle grade boys and a pretentious looking couple.

and suddenly the lights went out and his scent invaded my nostrils.

I know that I shouldn't be repulsed but maaan that smells had my stomach upside down...

I mean it was just soap.....manufactured by the devil...but soap nonetheless.

sooo we just sat like that in the dark and I remember thinking that this particular silence is the kind that is usually broken by a fart or something equally embarrassing like that.

buut as I am a lady I did no such thing and only a shameless snort escaped my lips.

yeees a real lady.

The movie was fun, I guess, we watched Paul.It was easy concentrating on it as my face was covered by my hair so he couldn't notice the ever present hand that was clutching my nose.

after the movie we walked around the stores some more and talked, actually it was just me trying but failing miserably at holding up a typical date kind conversation but mostly it was just awkward silence.

Let me tell you something about today's weather: as hot as a flaming monkey ass on a donkey plate.

So I suggest taking the tram. He says : ... it's ok if you want you can go but I'll walk.

Now let me tell you something about the place we've been to: well...it's not a spit away

soo because I felt generous on the outside I played the polite girl : Naaah I'll walk with you. Inside it was a whole other story...I was frustrated and sweating like a pig to put it bluntly.

So on the way he mumbled something about having to go somewhere to buy something...

I said ok because mostly I couldn't understand a word he was saying as cars were passing us by and everything he said was like a whisper to me. So I nodded a lot.

Finally when we rounded a corner after a dorky and very very stupid conversation regarding the quietness of Medieval ages...he said something along the lines

'they didn't live past the age of 20..'

and 'were killed by guards'

and desperate to contribute to this one sided conversation that was waaaay beyond me I add

'yeaah and they're houses were made of hay so they caught fire like crazy'

he mumbled a quiet 'uhum' and a rush of I-don't-know-what-the-fuck-I-am-doing-here came over me again.

I asked him about the place he had to go and it went like:

Me: soo what do you have to buy?Is it something important or can I come too?

He: if you don't want to come you don't have to, it's not like you are attached to my ass.

...wow thinking back, I don't know how I actually managed not to flip the fuck out.

He sounded like a total douche there for a moment and I bit my tongue.

I replied:

'Well now that was a real endearing comeback reaaal fitting'

maybe he sensed that something was wrong and instead of falling into another socially awkward silence he began talking about....latin...and that it should be taught more carefully in schools.

!!!!!O__O!!!!!

in the end we went to a bookstore and he bought a dictionary.

*siiigh*

our goodbyes were sudden and again what was that word again?uuuum...AWKWARD

Him: Ok...this is well then

Me: weeell...ok bye!

Him: Bye

and he ran off.

Mostly after re-reading this I feel bad

he comes off as a shy ok nice guy who somehow showed and interest in me and I am being a complete selfish pretentious complaining bitch.

but after today he will probably think that I am an airhead who smiles too much and is not near as smart as him.

Oh well my big fucking loss *rolls eyes*

I just hope that he doesn't call me again....

p.s I have blisters on my feet again and I miss Mada.

daamn.

Run run run away lost lost lost my mind....

Well haven't been in here for a long time...

Of course a lot of stuff has happened since last time I wrote but I don't really want to go into such deep details right now.

One of the safe topics I am willing to talk,in fact has to do a lot with actually.

Yeah it's TV show *rolls eyes* what were you expecting?ha

SKINS

Wow...simply amazing.The show centers around a group of friends each having their own bag loaded with shit to carry.

Let's take Chris as an example.I admit that I cried my fucking eyes out when I saw his episode.

Or the sketch he did for Jal when they had a fight.

haha...everything was fine at beginning when they were 4,then one went away then another one,and in the end they boy was all alone....died alone.

Oh God Fuck it for Chris!! T.T

Or Tony,I loved him to bits after he realized what a big douche he was being to everyone...well mainly after the episode when they kidnapped Effy.

Gosh I love Effy too....and that sentence from wikipedia,mainly how they describe the end of season 2:

"The series ends with Effy in Tony's bed, reveling in the art work of emotions she has created as she claims her top place in their social world...."

That was that awesome, actually, it was ingeniously described.

btw....Maxxie was amazingly handsome and hot(too bad he was gay...>.>)....daaamn that ep when they went to the beach for 'Chelles bday...thay scene when her and Maxxie laughed when everyone was fighting over the tide....rended me speechless...actually I proceeded in watching that scene over and over again just to bath in that fuckin perfection of an image they made at that moment.Oh and please don't get me started at the colors....fucking brilliant!

eh anyway gotta go

Buh Bye!!!!

-Cause I always stay too loooong

Plan B

Jo